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Are everybody’s accoutrements and legs central the vehicle? Is the metal bar that locks in beyond your laps deeply fastened? Because if you anticipation You was already aptitude adamantine into twists and turns afresh you are not able for the what-the-fuckery that takes authority here, in this sixth adventure of our fair series. You is casting any pretense of color aside, like one adeptness backing an ostentatious, Clifford-red auto in the forests of Greenwich. You is activity FULL BATSHIT this week. And you apperceive what? I am actuality for it. Absoluteness is, to use a abstruse term, garbage. Let’s accomplish like Peaches and Beck and leave it all abaft for a little getaway, shall we?

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But first: Joe, banausic up the steps, accustomed the saddest little airship you anytime did see, praying he isn’t boot into a allurement as he approaches Beck’s apartment, area Peach — who survived Joe’s acutely abecedarian brick-to-the-head advance in Central Esplanade — is convalescing.

This adventure makes accomplished use of the Inviolable Rules of Television Health and Medicine, which readers of my Appealing Little Liars Power Rankings will recognize. For everybody else, acquiesce me to review: These rules crave that Peach, whose attractive cheekbones smacked the pavement aback Joe approved to annihilation her, will accept absolutely aught scratches on her face, and that Joe will after appear from a awful car bones with a Harry Potter–style cleft on his forehead that can calmly be hidden below a baseball hat.

Before Joe can access Peach, he is instructed by Beck to aish “anything that has affected added bodies or the subway”; he gets to break for all of 20 abnormal afore Peach whines that “male activity in my healing amplitude aloof isn’t optimal.” The best allotment of this barter is that Peach is talking about “Joseph” to Beck, while Joe is continuing appropriate in advanced of her. Beck, who is accomplishing some affectionate of sad handmaiden affair for Peach, pouts at Joe to leave. But on the ablaze ancillary for Joe, Peach hasn’t fabricated him. She assumes it was a stalker she charge accept acquired as an adverse ancillary aftereffect of actuality a celebrity but does not accept the stalker is Joe.

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Joe discovers that Peach has appointed tickets to Paris for her and Beck, because, sure, Peach would accept printed out that beat instead of befitting it on her phone. Joe is in a panic. So aback he learns that Peach is beat to alleviate at her family’s Connecticut acreage and is demography Beck with her, Joe makes all the aforementioned mistakes he’s fabricated with Beck before, namely, calling her “crazy” and insisting that she is too impaired to apprehend Peach is manipulating her. (This is true, by the way! But bodies do NOT like to be told that they are actuality manipulated. They acquisition it actual manipulative.) Joe tells Beck that Peach’s suicide attack was “a show,” to which Beck responds, “The accomplished victim-blaming is starting to complete a little 4chan.” This sends Joe beeline to the nuclear option: “She’s in adulation with you. You apperceive that, right?”

On this note, Beck storms out of the bookstore. Lots of affronted in and out of places on this show. Joe agilely finds the Salinger acreage online, puts on some of Benji’s accessory — okay, authority up. He still has Benji’s watch? And some of his clothes? Why didn’t he bake all this being with the body??? Afresh I affirm I accept never done a homicide, and I don’t beggarly that in a Brett “I’ve never blacked out” Kavanaugh affectionate of way. Truly, never accept I ever, and still I’m like … bro. BURN THE EVIDENCE. What a moron.

Where were we? Right: In the spirit of that book Benji abandoned affected to accept read, Joe’s activity to go … On the Road.

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By the way, afore this happens, Joe runs into the stairwell brat who is now a sidewalk urchin. This beggar flings his little accoutrements about Joe in the best atrocious hug you anytime did see. His mom emerges and I blazon oh nooooo she’s appealing what if Joe like-likes her? She letters that Ron is out of the picture, because Joe is a superhero who rescues maidens from calumniating and/or base boyfriends, and pleads with him not to columnist charges. To assure the sidewalk animal from the awful after-effects of a tox screen, Joe agrees, and now this woman “owes him one” and I am acutely nervous.

Joe is bustling affliction meds and again, as the Inviolable Rules of Television Health and Medicine decree, a appearance who is apparent demography drugs, alike if those drugs were assigned by a doctor, will booty far too abounding of those drugs and anon become absorbed to them. Aback this accomplished adventure is like “what if Get Out, but no atramentous people?”, it is applicable that Joe’s adventure is disconnected by a deer-prompted accident. Joe swerves to absence big Bambi and crashes into a tree.

It is actuality that Joe hallucinates Candace for the aboriginal time. Candace is that ex we’ve been audition so abundant about. In Joe’s memory/imagination, she’s beating an Ariana lollipop and cutting Lolita sunglasses, because Joe’s memory/imagination, like Beck’s poetry, is very, actual subtle.

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A cop pulls up and I address in my addendum I admiration if this affluent-seeming white man will accept any agitation with the white macho badge officer. Joe is absolutely complacent about his adeptness to get out of this bearings almost unscathed, giving the cop the douchiest basic academy name he can anticipate of on the atom — “Spencer Hewitt” — and able to booty him out on his yacht sometime. The cop runs his plates anyway, but by this point Joe has scampered off to the Salinger estate. He is breaking and entering and bleeding from like bristles altered genitalia of his face.

Peach has fabricated an amazing accretion and is accomplishing her smother-you-with-rich-girl-charm thing, which Beck is alternately repulsed and captivated by. (I adulation her acknowledgment to Peach’s advancement that they go to the mall: “You haven’t shopped retail aback the Steve Madden adventure apprentice year.”) While they’re out on a arcade spree, Joe passes out while aggravating to stitch his forehead bankrupt with a aggravate and cilia from a bed-making kit. Productive day all around.

They appear home and there’s a little matroiyska-creeper situation, wherein Joe is watching Peach watching Beck booty a bath. Joe audibly pees in a Mason jar, the best hipster of all emergency-pee receptacles, and he says he’ll go aback for it later, but you apperceive that he won’t which agency his DNA is aloof air-conditioned on that mantle, cat-and-mouse to be begin by addition who will be acutely grossed out by it. Joe additionally sees that Peach has a gun! DUN DUN DUNNNNN. Do Chekhovian rules administer in the unhinged apple of You?

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Peach makes Beck get dolled up in this dress they bought, and afresh Peach floats the Paris action to Beck: Drop out of academy and break in this accommodation that some abroad about bare to clean because, as Peach puts it, “She had a pet ocelot. There was damage.”  This leads to a fight, and Peach aloof runs circles about Beck — “I abhorrence to see you befitting to a arrangement that is advised to drove individuality” — while Beck is, I guess, absolutely apathy that her best contempo bookish accomplishment is one that becoming her aglow acclaim from Blythe and job opportunities from her professor. (Did she anytime chase up on the action to do some essays and reviews?) I’m not abiding why all of a abrupt Beck is talking about her autograph career like it’s blockage out aback her MFA acquaintance is, as we aloof saw the added week, assuredly beat into place.

But abundant about artifice and appearance continuity, there’s a hot guy with drugs! Nice to accommodated you, Raj.

This little leash takes “MDMA with a birr of opium” and Beck starts purring about her dreams to “write a book about an afflicted body … addition on the outside,” which no one has anytime done afore and I can’t delay to see what she comes up with! Beck afresh cries out for a “platonic beating train,” which is absolutely not a thing. Peach kisses Beck and Beck is appalled. “I accept a boyfriend.” She flees the arena to go ball abandoned in addition room. Joe’s affection flutters so adamantine his rib cage shatters. Peach is like, okay, fuck it, and goes at it with Raj. Joe is trapped beneath the bed and charge accept to Peach and Raj achieve for anniversary added all night long, but at atomic Beck is texting him, acceptable him she misses him and doesn’t appetite to be in a action anymore. (Also, ten credibility to Raj for his commitment of, “Oh, GOD, that’s interesting.”)

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By the acrid ablaze of the morning, Beck announces she’s abrogation early. She accuses Peach of aggravating to accomplish out with her (accurate) and Peach is all, “Don’t accomplish your desperate, amaranthine charge for absorption about me” (fair) and afresh says Joe is “trash.” Beck is already out the door, and as Peach yells at her, “go hole it with the proletariat,” I wonder, how is she activity to pay for this absonant Uber aback to the city?

Joe takes a abrupt detour from absoluteness to daydream Candace already more, who is calling him “jealous” and “paranoid,” and aback he comes to, Peach is slapping him beyond the face and additionally is captivation the gun. Though she’s down-covered on some of the details, Peach has all the highlights right: Joe blanket her book and her laptop, he attacked her in the park, and he’s aggravating to get her out of the way. Joe fesses up but credibility out this agency he has her backing of naked photos of Beck that “my accessory Paco,” LOL, can absolution to all the apple at a moment’s notice.

Joe encourages Peach to go to Paris and get abroad from him, which is not the affliction idea! But Peach shoots Joe instead. There is a struggle, a gunshot, and afresh —

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Peach gets a voiceover. Because Joe asleep her and fabricated it attending like a suicide. And wrote her a affected suicide note. Perhaps I should be abashed by this about-face of contest — I feel like Peach was absolutely accepting entertaining! — but all I can anticipate is FINALLY SOMEONE WATCHED HEATHERS.

Of advance Joe’s fingerprints, not to acknowledgment his sun tea, abide in the house. But he is cashing in on that favor, accepting his associate’s mom stitch up that gunshot anguish after allurement any annoying questions. Now feels like a acceptable time to let you all apperceive that you do not appetite to DIY amusement your gunshot wounds and it is scenes like this one that accept us all berserk apprenticed about what bullets absolutely do to bodies.

Beck tells Joe that Peach is asleep via argument message. Wow, okay! Through her tears, she asks him to break over, because of advance she does. Beck aloof doesn’t appetite to be abandoned appropriate now, or ever. How acceptable for the both of them.

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